petak, 5. veljače 2016.

'Isolation from everybody as proof that you love your partner and are faithful to him'

(From my upcoming book, kisses to all, Your Brigita)

Many of you have asked me and I have heard it often-what constitutes abuse? It’s as if women don’t believe themselves that they are victims. As if they are afraid they will be guilty if they say that and it’s as if they don’t have the right to protest, if someone hasn’t broken their ribs.

Let’s make it simple. For example, if a person at work is sued and found guilty for ‘grabbing a colleagues ass’ or talking to her in an inappropriate manner, and that same colleague had nightmares because of it and it all led to her being less productive, then I don’t have to explain to you further if it is abuse if someone calls you names day to day, makes you feel unworthy, doesn’t listen to what you are telling him (and we are not talking about speaking of some movie you saw, even though that is also a sign of disrespect), if he calls you stupid, crazy, a whore, if he blames You for his bad behavior towards you, if he blames you for his problems in life, if he threatens you, pulls your arms, hair, grabs your neck, beats you...need I go on?

There are several types of abuse, but they are usually divided into two groups:

Women who are abused by their partner are also often convinced by that same partner that
"what he is doing to her isn’t really abuse because for instance ‘if he had hit her like real abusers’ she would have died".
They are convinced that "it’s their fault for making him ‘snap’ and that nothing would have happened if she hadn’t have started the fight in the first place".
And not just that, but that she is completely at fault for his such behavior and that in fact SHE IS ABUSING HIM!!!"
Abusers very skilfully manipulate both their partners and the description of the situation that is happening.


A person that abuses, very often has in advance a developed story about himself as a victim.
And as easily as he manipulates the person he abuses, he also tries to manipulate with everyone else who find out about it. .
However, what happens more often is that the abuser, well in advance of people finding out from his partner that he (the husband) is abusing her, prepares the territory for her words.
Much earlier does he make her into a guilty person in his surroundings. ‘Intolerable, stupid, unfaithful, overspending woman who is a problem.'
He protects himself in advance.
And always, really almost always, he watches his behavior towards other women. Towards other women he is always, but always, nice, even too much, leaving an impression that he is the best man in the world, better even then their partners, that he is a ‘perfect shoulder to cry on’, best friend, cultural, eloquent, with a great smile and light flirt, but he would never publicly and without a reason given to him by his wife (and that is being harsh, neglecting or cheating him) be with another woman.
However, at home he is nothing of what he is outside. It’s not a rule that he is never good at home but he is good under his own terms and reasons under which he becomes bad to his partner.

This topic is very wide and for starts I’ll stick to something that is often at the root of abusing. And that is jealousy. No, not the ‘normal’, let’s call it ‘healthy jealousy’. No. That has nothing to do with it. It is pathological jealousy and pathological possessiveness that are at the beginning of a relationship rolled into supposedly too big, too strong and sincere love. And that jealousy always, but always leads to drifting apart and isolation of the partner from everyone and everything in her life. Believe me I have heard stories of a jealous partner telling to his partner, (and let’s understand each other, he was leading a normal life), that her coffees with her friends and her going out of the house are not ‘justified’ like his.
That partner has completely subjugated his partner financially (made her dependent of his money), for him to say at the end that all his social contacts, conversations, socializing, traveling with everyone and most of all persons of the opposite sex, exclusively for work purposes ‘necessary for feeding them’. It was important for him to mention that he doesn’t enjoy that, but is sacrificing himself for a higher goal, and that is ‘to afford them everything’ (I will not mention that from that ‘everything’ almost nothing was left for her). And along with that he accused her of inappropriate behavior and for not appreciating his ‘sacrifice’ because she, without work as a reason for communicating with someone, still talks with and sees other people and is not loyal and faithful to him as he is to her!!!
She was expected to spend all of the time he was at work alone, and that until she gets a job for herself, and at the same time he wasn’t allowing her to work, she practically doesn’t have the right to see or hear anybody. Please! How far can someone’s ‘insanity’ go! And not just that.

In that same story, he literally left her all alone in everyday life and everything that was going on, telling her that he was tired after work, spent for any type of conversation and when she spoke against that and wished for normal communication, attention, affection, fights happened going so far that he would ‘beat her a little’, but for him that was not called real abuse and he told her that it was her fault because he would never have hit her if he didn’t have a reason for that and if she hadn’t have started the fight first and brought out the worst from him!!! ...
Everything happens doesn’t it? But there it is.
In any case, abusers always tend to as we have said, distance and isolate their partners from everybody, shatter their self esteem and in translation, do with them what they want.
For this segment of abuse we should remember that we all have equal rights to life.
A partner doesn’t have the right to do to you what you don’t want.
You have to have your own life besides the partner.
Even if you are in a position that you have secluded and alienated yourself from everyone and everything, precisely then you have to return people into your life. It doesn’t matter if they are old or new friends, the point is that you need to have your own friends and your own circle of friends.
It is not healthy for you, to be confined to only and only one person in the world, even if it is someone you love very much, and least of all if it is someone who abuses you.
Seek help, support and security outside that relationship.
Seek professional help. Contact proper institutions. Go to a safe house. Move ten thousand miles away if you have to, but leave healthy and alive and let him solve his own problems.
No, it is not normal for someone to teach you and force upon you principles of a life dependent to him.
No, it is not normal that you think that the only contact you are allowed to have with people, are a consequence of your job. In the name of God! That is not healthy!
What is healthy is to socialize, go out, take care of yourself, love and be loved in a freedom of choice and doing what you choose. It is healthy to live your life nicely! That is your right.
That sort of a partner who abuses needs help, professional help. Remember that. And you need to think about yourself.
And let’s immediately understand each other, this is not a female opinion. This is an opinion of myself and those dearest to me, all of the good people around me, my wonderful male and female friends, colleagues, acquaintances. That is a general culture of the 21st century!

Kisses to all, Your B.

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